How to wear white clothes year-round without completely ruining them

The question I get asked most often — just after “What race are you?” by total strangers in public!!! — is “How do you wear white clothes all the time without ruining them?” It’s true that I have a well-documented affinity for white and pastels; not only do I wear white jeans or pants year-round, I also have all white bedding and towels, and have owned an ivory couch for four years. 

I’m actually not immune to spills and stains; I’ve had a few Huge Incidents over the past five years. But keeping my stuff relatively clean is important to me because I don’t want to waste money (or…waste clothing) so I put some effort into it. I think a smallish amount of practical planning and knowledge goes a long way, and that luck has done the rest. 

Anyway, for those who have asked me what my “secret” is...here you go! 

1. Maybe start by wearing inexpensive items you don’t care as much about.
   I’m not a huge fan of buying things you view as disposable or plan to replace in short order, but I also think it makes sense to test things out a bit before committing to an expensive version of them. If you’re worried about ruining white jeans, for example, you could get a pair from a thrift store or clothing swap and see how you fare using some of the tips below. Over time, you might feel confident enough to start buying nicer/more expensive stuff.  
   
   

2. Wait to get dressed until right before you leave the house.
   If you’re wearing white clothes around the house while you get ready in the morning, the likelihood that you’ll spill makeup, toothpaste, or coffee on them is high. I always take Chuck out before I get dressed for the day, and try to minimize my at-home exposure to food, dirt, coffee, etc. when I’m wearing white. 
   
   

3. Avoid wearing white on rainy days. 
   I actually don’t abide by this tip most the time, but if you’ve only got a few white items in rotation, save them for dry days! Mud/dirt/dirty water droplets are bar far the biggest offender I’ve come across — far bigger than blood or food or coffee. 
   
   

4. Be strategic with your outerwear/layers.
   If you’re going to wear a coat, wear a coat that covers your ass vs. a jacket that does not! This will come in handy when you’re, say, sitting on a park bench. 
   
   I know that Jean Wang of the blog Extra Petite once suggested tying a lightweight jacket around your waist before sitting on a park bench or outdoor cafe, a tip that I’ve never personally used, but that seems like it would work. You could also set down an inexpensive blanket/scarf or something to that effect. 
   
   

5. Put napkins on your lap when you’re eating. 
   This one is so simple but really does make a difference. And don’t just put one tiny napkin on your lap; open a few and spread them out a bit. 
   
   

6. Actually look at your clothes after you take them off/before washing them.
   I don’t bust out a magnifying glass to inspect every item I own after I wear it, but I do do a quick scan after I take something off, before I wash it, and/or before I wear it again without washing it first. In my experience, most stains or just general clothing grossness happens without my even realizing it, especially in spots that are hard to see when the clothes are on your body. (The waistband of jeans/pants and then the first few inches of the hem are the two prime spots, in my experience.)
   
   If you don’t realize the stains are there, you’re likely to skip treating them before you do laundry, and then toss the item in the dryer, thus baking the stain in for good. So making a point to handle and look over your clothes for an extra 10 seconds goes a long way. 
   
   

7. Be aware of your body in space.
   This one is harder to explain, or perhaps to train yourself to do, but I feel fairly aware of what I’m doing with my body when I’m wearing white. So that means I do things like…
   
   - Sitting close enough to a table where I’m eating, so that less of my bottom half/lap is exposed 
   - Carrying my mug of coffee at a slightly larger distance from my body than I would otherwise, so that if it does slosh over the side, it’s less likely to land on me/my clothes
   - Avoiding overfilling mugs of coffee/tea
   - Slowing down when I’m turning a corner, to give other people time to see me
   - Looking at seats/surfaces before I sit on them to make sure they are clean
   - Paying attention to what I’m eating/drinking while I’m consuming it (i.e., I try not to consume while super distracted by a book or a coffee)
   
   This stuff may seem overly fussy, but I think it’s pretty imperceptible to other people, and it probably makes the biggest difference. It’s also not like I’m constantly weighed down by thoughts about this stuff; a lot of it is just second-nature now, and even when it wasn’t, I didn’t find it stressful or tiring.  
   
   

8. Use a period tracker app. 
   Many a human who bleeds regularly (or irregularly) has asked me how I deal with my period and white clothes. The biggest thing I do is track my periods. Of course, it’s not a perfect science, but it does at least tell me generally when to expect it, which then means I can plan accordingly. In this case, plan accordingly might actually mean “wear a pad just in case” which is fine — I’d much rather do that than ruin my favorite white dress. 
   
   I also don’t mind using a pad as a backup when wearing a tampon on some days, and on more than one occasion, I’ve been glad that I did. 
   
   

9. Wear an apron.
   I’ve preferred cooking in an apron for years; to me, it’s just more comfortable and practical than not. (And aprons typically have pockets!!) I will also put an apron on when doing dishes after a meal, or when mixing drinks — activities that have a fairly high potential for splashing/staining.
   
   

10. Treat stains right away, and treat them often.
    I’m pretty dogged when it comes to getting stains out. (Related: my two favorite stain removers.) One example: Last fall, I went to a work event where we were given red “admit one” drink tickets. I left one in the back pocket of my white Levi’s, and then later put the jeans through the wash. When I pulled the jeans out of the washing machine, it looked like a tube of lipstick had been smashed in the pocket. Levi’s had stopped selling the jeans (and they were fairly expensive to begin with) so I extra committed to getting the stain out. It took a couple weeks of a cycle of treating the spot, letting the treatment sit, and washing the jeans in cold water before the stain finally let up enough to be able to wear them again. (I actually gave up when it was about 90% there, and it surprised me by coming the final 10% of the way in the subsequent weeks.) 
    
    Getting a stain out of fabric is sort of a fun challenge to me at this point, but I actually don’t think you need to be that aggressive about stains (more on that in a second). That said, I think a lot of people don’t try very hard, or at all — they toss the item in the laundry and wash it with hot water without treating it first, or they give the stain a bunch of time to set before they bother treating it, and then feel like, Welp, I just suck at laundry and wearing white. So I think it’s important to know how to treat stains and to own the tools to do so. Treat them as well as you can, as soon as you can, and give it your best shot.
    
     

11. But also…make peace with stains!
    I long ago just sort of accepted that spills and stains are a part of life, and that trying to prevent them or remove every trace of them is an exercise in futility. That’s why I eventually gave up when the Levi’s were most of the way there; the main reason I kept at it in that case was that the pants were pretty unwearable, and I want to avoid getting rid of/replacing stuff as much as possible. 
    
    That said, I don’t really take stains personally, and I think that’s important. Spilling something on yourself doesn’t make you clumsy or “not an adult,” and wearing something that has a spot on it isn’t that big of a deal. I know this because I continue to wear clothes that have tiny spots/stains that I am very aware of, and people still always ask me how I keep my white stuff so clean.
    

I’ll leave you with some advice from Cheryl Mendelson, who offered advice in Home Comforts that I’ve really taken to heart: “If a beautiful object has a tiny flaw, some people do not notice it and others notice nothing else. In dealing with stains, the most important skill you can acquire is the ability not to be bothered by small imperfections that you cannot fix. … Stains are not dirt; they are inadvertent dyeings. While dirt should continue to arouse your fighting spirit, it is perfectly all right to surrender to insignificant stains.” ✨

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An ode to my two favorite stain removers

Look, I’m not trying to make enemies in the laundry industry, but when it comes to stain treatment, I think T*de pens are very much a scam. As my coworker recently said, they offer the illusion of preparedness, and not much else. As a lover of white clothes and bedding, I swear by two other products: OxiClean stain remover spray and Spray ‘n Wash sticks.

I have only had a handful of Major Incidents with regard to white fabric. The fist time it happened, I had just gotten brand-new white flannel sheets and a cozy white cotton blanket for my bed. Washing all of these items before using them is a task in NYC, and I was thrilled to finally have them on my bed because my apartment was very cold.

The first night I slept on them, I woke up feeling great. And also like my face was…wet? I was sitting up in bed when I touched my nose, and then looked down at my hand and realized I had my first-ever bloody nose. A beat later, basically in slow motion, I watched big, fat crimson blood drops fall from my face and land on the fitted sheet, top sheet, and blanket. Every single component of the bedding was hit.

Luckily enough, I had just read Home Comforts, where I had learned that you should use an enzyme-based cleaner on organic and protein-based stains, and I had — after realizing that I didn’t own an enzyme cleaner — ordered some OxiClean spray, which was now sitting in my closet. So I stripped my bed, while feeling pretty certain that my sheets and blanket were going to be forever marred by this. I made peace with that, but I treated them with the Oxi, let them soak in cold water, and then rinsed them… and the stains completely disappeared. 

I was sold.

The second Major Incident happened at work. A visitor to the BuzzFeed office got in the down elevator with me on the 16th floor; she was carrying a lidless travel cup of coffee, and when the elevator stopped on my floor, she thought we had reached the lobby. She stepped out, realized her mistake, went to turn around to get back on the elevator, and was startled by my presence right behind her. She jolted, THROWING her coffee all over my white jeans in the process.

Looking at the fist-sized stain on my thigh, I knew what I had to do: marched to the CVS across the street from my office, bought a big bottle of Oxi spray, went to the single-stall bathroom, stripped off my Bean boots, the socks my jeans were tucked into, and jeans; treated the stain with the Oxi; and then rinsed everything out in the sink. Despite the fact that my jeans were very wet — it looked like I’d pissed myself — the stain was basically gone.

So, yes, I’m an OxiClean stan; it works great for everything, generally speaking. However, I’ve recently added the Spray ‘n Wash stick to my toolkit; I discovered it via my girlfriend, and was pleasantly surprised by how effective it is. It even got a faint coffee stain that was years old and that I’d simply given up on out of a beloved white dress. I’ve used it on other smaller stains (grease, food, even other blood drops) and it’s worked well every time.

I now go between the two, depending on the stain, and strongly recommend having both around! The Spray ‘n Wash is small and won’t leak — despite the name, it’s not a spray at all, but a waxy deodorant-esque stick ‚ so it’s a good one to keep it in your desk/bag/locker. (I’ve also used the OxiClean gel stick, and while I think it’s fine, I ultimately prefer the spray…but to each their own!)

Regardless of which you choose, you can definitely be done with T*de pens once and for all.

Get everything from Amazon: a pack of three Spray ‘n Wash sticks for $10.86, a three-pack of OxiClean spray for $16.90, and Home Comforts for $13.59.

Related: How to wear white clothes year-round without completely ruining them. 💦

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Last-minute Valentine's Day gift ideas for the discerning but procrastinating drugstore shopper

Image: Lex Guerra / Unsplash

To my girlfriend: stop reading right now.

Everyone else: hello.

So, it’s Valentine’s Day Eve (Valentine’s Day Jr. as we say around here) and perhaps you are feeling a bit worried that your Valentine’s Day gift/plans for your partner are not very exciting. Maybe they are even nonexistent! Not to worry — you can still pull this off. Even if you’re reading this on Valentine’s Day, I think you can still pull it off.

If you’re looking for last-minute gift ideas, surprises, or ways to make the day special, and are working with an “uhhh what’s available at Walgreens or the grocery store??” sort of timeline, here are some tips to keep in mind.

1. Embrace the classics.
   Chocolate/candy, flowers, underwear, love letters, romantic movies, love songs, lasagna, wine… these are all nice things! It’s perfectly OK to lean into the things that Valentine’s Day is known for; there’s no need to reinvent the wheel! As long as you’re shopping/planning a date with real intention, choosing things that you think your partner will actually appreciate, and not taking things too seriously, clichés are fine and good.

2. Lean into the kitsch—like, really lean into it.

   Here’s a tip for a great drugstore Valentine’s Day gift: if you must buy something kind of kitschy, buy the absolute largest version of it you can find. A regular heart-shaped balloon? Fine. Nothing wrong with that! A HUGE heart-shaped balloon? Fucking amazing, Several huge heart-shaped balloons? An apartment full of them??? Now we’re talking!!! Going for oversized kitschy items or multiples of kitschy items is silly and memorable and even impressive (buy out Trader Joe’s entire stock of bouquets, I dare you!!!) and I’m extremely here for it.

3. Consider that fairly small/simple items in Valentine’s Day colors can feel special, especially as part of a bigger gift.
   As you comb the aisles at CVS or do a power-lap through the mall, keep this fact in mind. There’s something about, say, really red socks or a really pink phone charger that makes them feel like a Valentine’s Day Gift in a way that yellow socks or turquoise charger would not. When you’re doing your last-minute shop, look for small, on-theme items (like a sharp red Moleskine or a beautiful rosy hoodie) that you can combine with a consumable (flowers, a nice bottle of wine, etc.) to create a really nice gift.

4. Related: look for solid-colored pink, red, lavender, or white wrapping, trimmings, etc.
   Sometimes, the offering of, say, Valentine’s Day gift bags won’t be kitschy enough to feel fun/intentionally corny, and instead will feel kind of sad. In that case, check out the regular gift wrap section, where you’ll likely be able to find plain bags, tissue paper, and ribbons in traditional Valentine’s Day colors that will ultimately look nicer and more considered.

5. Toss/swap any packaging that looks cheap.
   If you don’t want it to look like you just went to the drugstore to buy a gift, get rid of the evidence that proves you just went to the drugstore to buy a gift! That might mean cutting the clear plastic wrap off of store bought flowers and re-wrapping them in a solid color tissue paper, kraft paper, or even newsprint, or removing other packaging that’s not particularly cute/pretty.

6. Don’t sleep on bookstores.
   A lot of bookstores have a game/puzzle section, where you might find something fun/cute/fairly unexpected that your partner will like. They also tend to just be well-curated for gift giving in general (bonus: you can buy a card while you’re there) and are worth checking out if there’s one that’s not too out of your way.

7. Consider the homemade coupon.
   I’m always surprised by how much people love receiving homemade coupons for things like, say, a foot rub or taking the dog out. If you think your partner would be into something like this, here are some Valentine's Day coupons that Terri came up with a few years ago that are very cute! (FYI, the printable versions took a while to load for me, but they popped up eventually.) The more personal/specific the coupons are to your partner and your relationship, the more meaningful and fun they gift will be.

8. Always give a card or letter.
   Love letters are sweet and good and basically free. If you’re not sure what to say or are worried that you’re not a good enough writer, these tips from an expert I talked to a few years ago might be helpful. And if you’re at a loss for words or intimidated by the blank page, embrace the humble list. (“Things I like about you” really never goes out of style.)

Finally, this all might seem like a lot of fuss for “a Hallmark holiday” and I suppose it is. But demonstrable, undeniable effort is meaningful to a lot of people, even if the reasons behind the gift or card are fairly arbitrary or driven by capitalism. If Valentine’s Day is your partner’s love language—and it is a lot of people’s, whether you like it or understand it or not—you should try to show up for them. Yes, you might already show your love for them all the other days of the year… but if that’s the case, why not also show your love for them on the day when they’d really like you to do so? Love and connection is rare, life is short, and making sure your people know exactly how much they mean to you is pretty much always a good idea. 💘

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The girlfriend hoodie

My girlfriend, her hoodie, and my dog

It’s cozy season, so it seems like a good time to plug the Gap Vintage Soft Carbonized Pullover Hoodie, which I’m a big fan of. It’s super soft and just the right weight; the creamy color is perfect; the fit is great (not too baggy/bulky, but not too slim either); it’s held up well in the wash; and it looks fairly polished. I am not really a hoodie person, but I love this sweatshirt.

It’s technically a men’s hoodie—my friend Devin owns two in black (“and that’s not even enough” he told me), and it looks great on him too. But my girlfriend was actually the one who first discovered it; she bought it for herself right before Valentine’s Day last year…in part, she said, because she knew I’d like it on her. She was right; I liked it so much that I bought one for myself! We now have four of them between us. (There was a sale, and having a backup of a beloved item is just practical!!!) My favorite way to wear it is with white Lou & Grey soft pants and cozy socks, or with white or blue Levi’s. 

Thinking about this hoodie, the other clothes I’ve discovered via my girlfriend, and the items from the men’s department that I own and love, I was reminded of the 2016 Racked article “The Presumptions of ‘Boyfriend’ Clothes”:

“The idea that men and women are supposed to be certain sizes in relation and proportion to one another is reinforced by boyfriend clothing. Images of heterosexual relationships almost invariably show a woman so small she is swallowed up by her boyfriend’s clothes. All my life I’ve worked to shake the idea that my relationships don’t count because they have not looked like this. But what the boyfriend shirt is selling is that very idea, love defined by comparative body size.

Women wear, and always have worn, masculine clothing for myriad reasons, reasons to do with identity and reasons that have nothing to do with identity, reasons to do with gender and reasons that have nothing to do with gender, and reasons to do with the fact the men’s clothes have pockets far more often than women’s clothes do. I might buy a men’s shirt for a million reasons that have nothing to do with a man.”

Buy it for yourself, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, or your partner from Gap for $35. (Available in sizes XS-XXXL and eight different colors; for reference, I own the size small.)

Related: Hanes tees and girlfriend shorts. ✨

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I would lay down my life for this Hobonichi Techo planner

I’d been thinking about buying a Hobonichi Techo Cousin planner ($35.04) for two years, so I finally decided to go for it this fall. It’s just such a good planner, and after four years of dot journaling in a Leuchtturm notebook, I’m ready for a little change! I ordered my Hobonichi Techo Cousin back in October, and I’m legitimately looking forward to January 1 so I can start using it.

Here’s the deal with the Hobonichi Techo, from the website:

The Hobonichi Techo is a planner notebook created by staff members of the website Hobo Nikkan Itoi Shinbun, shortened as Hobonichi. Techo (pronounced “tetch-oh”) is a Japanese word for a planner notebook. We also describe the Hobonichi Techo as a Life Book; it demonstrates the planner notebook’s versatility and freedom that accommodates every user’s unique personality and lifestyle. It first came out as a 2002 edition, which was created when the members — who weren’t professional planner designers — decided to get together and create a brand new kind of planner that they would actually want to use themselves. There are 18 years of history behind the current book. New varieties have appeared over the years in response to customer requests, and all the techos improve every year based on these requests and feedback. New cover designs are released every year so that using a Hobonichi Techo carries an extra sense of excitement and enjoyment. In recent years people from all over the world have begun to use the techo — there are now over 780,000 users worldwide!

I was able to look at several different Hobonichi Techo planners back in late 2017, and the Cousin was my personal favorite. (It was also my favorite of all of the planners I looked at in 2017, and I looked at…a fuckton of planners that year.) It’s more guided than a dot journal — but not annoyingly so — and really nails both form and function.

I highly recommend going to the Cousin’s About section and clicking through all of the different tabs to see/read about the features, because there are a lot of them! But here are some of the things I like about it, if you’re curious…

Size

The Cousin (the A5) is the biggest of all of the Techo planners, but isn’t huge…it’s 5.8” x 8.3”, so it’s fairly close in size to the Leuchtturm I’ve been using for years. It is the perfect size for me.

If you want a smaller planner, the original Hobonichi Techo (A6) ($20.02) is also good. (You can also buy the original on Amazon.) I actually bought the original by accident because I got confused when I was placing my order. (One way to remember which one is which: the Cousin is the big one, much like Cousin Greg is the big one on Succession.) While the original is perfectly nice (and my girlfriend is happy to take it off my hands), I prefer one with more room to write on each day, aka the Cousin.

The paper

Ugh, this notebook. I just love it! The paper is super thin and smooth and feels so luxurious. The journal also has layflat binding (which means it will easily lay open/flat on your desk).

Image: Hobonichi Techo

The cream-colored cover is lovely, and even though it’s super lightweight, it’s surprisingly durable. (I tried bending the corners of the sample one I received, and couldn’t.) You can also buy a cover for it, but I didn’t go that route; instead, I bought a mesh pouch at McNally Jackson to transport it in.

There are different colors of ink used throughout the journal (the daily pages for each month are printed in a different color, for example) but the colors still feel fairly neutral. Also, a lot of the grids and other details are designed to be guidelines that you can only see up close (similar to the dots in a dot grid journal), so those are printed in a fairly light ink.

The page design

So, the big difference between this planner and the dot journaling method is that the Cousin is pre-printed. So, the pages come with dates and other information already on them, and each day gets its own page. There is also a year-at-glance view, monthly calendar pages, a spot for goals/tasks each month, weekly pages (with an hourly breakdown that I like a lot), and then the daily pages. This isn’t ideal if you want to be able to write really long journal entries some days, or to add in a new spread about, say, your favorite books wherever you feel like it. But it’s great if you want something convenient that is kind of doing the work for you, and/or you don’t mind when your journal or planner bosses you around a little bit.

I tend to be way too picky to enjoy pre-designed daily pages, but in this case, they are designed so well and so thoughtfully that I really like them. There’s an hourly breakdown on the left side of the page if you want to use it (but that’s easy to ignore), and then there is space on the right where you can list tasks/to-dos. (There is also a light “invisible line” down the middle that you can use to separate the two if you want to.) And there is space at the bottom for journaling/notes. You can also use the daily pages as a sketchbook or regular journal…like, you can just kind of easily write or doodle over the printed page designs if you want.

Features

The Cousin has several thoughtful/cute touches throughout that I love, including the moon phase on each daily page; subtle color tabs for each month of the year; a mini monthly calendar every two pages; and a “warm up page” at the beginning where you can reflect on the past year/set the tone of the new year. In the back of the notebook, there is blank graph paper; a “Favorites” page where you can document your favorite songs, movies, books, purchases, etc.; and a “My 100” page that you can use for anything you want (wins, top moments, goals, favorites, etc.).

Another thing people seem to love about these planners is that they have a quote on each page. This is actually not my thing, but it’s sort of moot because in the Cousin, all the quotes are in Japanese, so I can’t read them.

Shopping

I will say that the Hobonichi Techo website is a tad hard to navigate, in part because there some choices to be made: you have to figure out which planner you want, and whether you’d like the week starts to start on Sunday or Monday. You can also buy the Cousin Avec, where you get two notebooks that each last six months instead of one notebook for the whole year. And if you want to pick out a cover, there are a lot of options.

Once you make your selection, you’ll get routed to a different interface to purchase, and you’ll have to make sure it’s all in USD. It’s also not the most user friendly, but it’s also not prohibitively difficult to use. And both notebooks I ordered arrived very quickly (especially considering that they were shipping from Japan).

TL;DR: The Hobonichi Techo Cousin planner is super elegant and well-designed, and I am very excited to start using mine in January! Buy the 2020 Cousin for $35.04. 🗓

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Tiny party tip: state your shoe intentions in advance

Image: Birdies

As winter party season approaches, I feel compelled to share a bit of advice that I consider crucial to being a good host/good friend. It’s quite simple: if you are a shoes-off household, tell your party guests that at some point in advance of said party.

Why is this so important? Well, because snowy/sleety boots are, understandably, the sort of thing many people don’t want inside their homes. Which is fine! I have no problem with this approach! But showing up to a party and being asked to remove your shoes when you weren’t planning to ranges from mildly annoying to a real inconvenience. Like, maybe you wore very bad socks that night, or you aren’t even wearing socks. Maybe you built your entire outfit around your cute shoes, which are now sitting in your friend’s hallway. None of these scenarios are life-threatening, of course, but all can make a guest feel slightly off their game in a way that is at odds with good hospitality. And it’s all avoidable because you can just tell people up front what the situation is!

You can mention this in the Flyer. You can throw it in with the dress code/what to wear. You can work it in during the flurry of “See you tonight!” “What should I bring?” “BTW our doorbell doesn’t really work!” texts in the days before the party. Truly, the medium doesn’t matter; all that matters is that the message gets conveyed some place that is not your front door.

If you’re a shoes-on household, I think it’s more acceptable to say nothing, because most folks assume that a party is going to be shoes-on. But I also think it’s probably a good idea to make a habit of it regardless!

Some of my friends and I have started texting each other, “Is this a shoes-off or a shoes-on situation?” before gatherings, which works perfectly well, and is always an option if your host hasn’t taken this advice.

In general, I don’t consider myself dogmatic about most things I write about. Like, use these tips or don’t! I don’t know your life!!! But this is one thing I actually feel very strongly about. Like, just tell your guests what to expect, especially if that thing is “I expect you to be in socks all night”! Do what you can to help them feel more comfortable and relaxed! It is literally not difficult or awkward to say this, and I promise you that no one is going to be like, Wow, what a fuckin WEIRDO, doing me this REAL-ASS COURTESY like a BITCH if you make a point to tell them this info up front. 👠

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Here are all of my all-time favorite podcast episodes

Image: Kiyana Salkeld / Just Good Shit

I recently realized that you can make Spotify playlists for podcasts, which was (great!) news to me. This is so practical, particularly if you want to easily save new podcast recs from friends, or collect/download a bunch of podcasts before, say, a long trip.

After learning this, I decided to put all of my favorite podcast episodes in a single playlist. I believe Terri — who has very good taste in podcasts — turned me onto the fact that episode recommendations tend to be more useful than general podcast recs, and I now have a running list of the ones I love and recommend to friends again and again.

Here are my favorite episodes, in no particular order!

Annnd if you don’t use Spotify, here’s the full list:

1. Phonology with Nicole Holliday, Ologies.

2. The Architect of Hollywood, 99% Invisible. (An excellent Terri rec!)

3. Food Fight, Revisionist History.

4. My Little Hundred Million, Revisionist History.

5. Michael Pollan: Conscious Eating, Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations.

6. Tushy, The Pitch.

7. Oprah, The Goop Podcast.

8. Miss Buchanan’s Period of Adjustment, Revisionist History.

9. We Talk BeyChella, Still Processing.

10. Sounds Natural, 99% invisible. (Another Terri rec; she knows all the best 99PI eps actually.)

11. Gabrielle Union Is Fed Up, Death, Sex, and Money.

12. Hoodies Up, 30 for 30.

13. Return to Ring of Keys, Nancy.

14. Cellies, Ear Hustle.

15. The Pentagon's Secret Gaggle of Gays, Nancy.

16. The O.J. Simpson Trial: Nicole Brown Simpson Part 1, You’re Wrong About.

17. Egyptology with Kara Cooney, Ologies.

While I was at it, I also made a playlist of all the podcast episodes that I’ve been on, if you’re interested!

The list:

1. Episode 27: Uniform Factor with Rachel Wilkerson Miller, Forever35

2. Episode 69: The Life-Changing Magic of Listening to Rachel, Another Round

3. How to Show Up, The Nod

4. Make New Friends (And Keep Them), NPR Life Kit

5. When Friendships Change, How To Cope, NPR Life Kit

6. The Surprising Benefits of Journaling, Stuff Mom Never Told You

7. How Am I Supposed to Make Friends?, Real Simple Adulthood Made Easy

8. 023 | Rachel Wilkerson Miller, Day in the Life

I may eventually get motivated enough to make themed podcast playlists, but I also don’t want to overpromise here. Regardless, I’ll continue update these playlists with new episodes as they come up (in case you’d like to follow them)! ✨

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Cozy potluck ideas

This weekend, I had some friends over to my apartment for a potluck. I didn’t call this gathering a Friendsgiving because I didn’t want to give anyone the impression that I would be making a turkey (absolutely no), or imply that they should limit themselves to bringing Thanksgiving sides.

I’ve never been a big fan of Thanksgiving. This is due in large part to the fact that no one ever really bothers to make it fancy, which I don’t understand. Like, what is the point of a holiday if there isn’t cozy lights, a little sparkle, and an on-theme outfit???? (This doesn’t just apply to the end of year hols; it also includes Valentine’s Day, Halloween, and the 4th of July.) Give me a bougie Williams-Sonoma catalog party or nothing at all!!! I also just don’t like Thanksgiving food very much. It’s a lot of work/stress/money for not a lot of payoff, imo.

Anyway, the potluck went great! My mantra when thinking about this gathering was “do less.” I have a tendency to go overboard with stuff like this, and I wanted this dinner to be easy and fun without too much fuss or expense. Or, put another way, mood over food.

Food & drink

I made The Kitchn’s baked ziti, which I also made for a cozy winter party last January. It’s easy, inexpensive, delicious, and feeds a lot of people. It’s also so practical. It can be made it advance, so you still have plenty of time to do the dishes and clean your kitchen before anyone arrives.

I also made Alison Roman’s labneh dip, which was a hit. I doubled it, and I’m glad I did. I also waited until right before the party to assemble the dip/add the oil (which I’d made in the morning) — I was able to get a nicer presentation that way.

My girlfriend made the apple cider spritzes from my friend Jess’s blog. I always love Jess’s cocktail recipes, and these were no exception. Would recommend/make again!

Everyone’s potluck contributions were great. In terms of recipes, there was a broccoli rubble farro salad (love Smitten Kitchen), a cheesy Hasselback potato gratin (gorgeous and delicious), and leeks in vinaigrette (the unexpected hit of the night).

Decorations

Because I was committed to doing less, I scrapped my initial plan to go to Michaels and/or Party City; the bulk of my energy went to finding a tablecloth online. (Two tablecoths, actually — I decided to set up a folding table my girlfriend bought this summer in my dining room for food and move my actual dining room table into my living room, a setup that worked out very well. In general, I’m a fan of rearranging furniture to make a party work better in a small space.) Because the tables were kind of It, I wanted a really cool and special tablecloth and…turns out, that doesn’t really exist for Thanksgiving!

I ended up going with two gray buffalo check tablecloths ($22.99+ each on Amazon), a dozen mini white pumpkins ($24.89 on Amazon), and two bouquets of flowers from BoHaus. (Tiny bonus tip: go for a floral arrangement with eucalyptus; not only does it look great/dramatic, it smells wonderful.)

Anyway, that turned out to be all I needed! Everything else was just stuff I already owned. One of my favorite things about holidays/hosting is going through the cabinet where I keep all my fancy wares and being surprised/delighted by what’s in there. I’ve acquired a lot of different items (cloth napkins, bottle openers, cheese boards, serving ware) over time, and faithfully sticking to neutrals + metallics for years means I rarely have to worry about the specific items I need matching/working for a given occasion. You really can’t go wrong buying dishes or oven-to-table items in white. (Also, if you stick to white, you can use regular bowls and plates as serving dishes as needed and still have it look cohesive. I also think it’s easier to decorate on a small budget this way.)

If you want something a little more festive, I think tree/branch/wood motifs in white/silver and/or stripes in black/gray/cream/green are the way to go because they work for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s.

Also! It pays to hoard good finds from the Target dollar section until the moment you need them. I have no idea when exactly I purchased two packs of dessert plates with a copper foil autumn leaf pattern on them—I thiiiink maybe 2017???—but I was very grateful to Past Me when I found them! The fabric pumpkins I mixed in with the new ones fro Amazon also came from Target several years ago.

Things I would do differently next time

• Start at 5 p.m. instead of 4.

• Buy bigger cups. (This was the one downside of not going to Party City.)

• Make the ziti the night before instead of the morning of.

• Move my kitchen trash can into my dining room for convenience.

• Decorate with/incorporate twinkle lights.

• Take more photos. ✨

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Tiny life tip: Name your group texts on iPhone

Here’s a tiny life tip that is both fun and also efficient: name your iMessage group texts!

I always liked this as a general concept, but what I didn’t realize until recently is that you can name a thread between a group of people, but you don’t have to exclusively use the labeled thread with that group. So you can have one text thread named, say, “Saugatuck plans 🌊” with three people...but also just have a regular, not-named, not-plans-related thread with those same three people, essentially keeping the conversations separate so you can easily find the one dedicated to the trip later. 

Here’s how to name a text thread on an iPhone: 

1. Tap into a text message/thread.

2. Tap the > under the name circles at the top of the thread. Then tap “info.”

3. Tap “enter a group name.” Enter a group name and/or any emojis you’d like to include.

That’s it! It’s just a small thing that makes my life a little more organized and a little more delightful.

Related: Two cheap and easy ways to upgrade your phone charger, how to use your iPhone’s photo search function, and how to curate your home screen. 📱

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My favorite things to do in Saugatuck, MI

Last week, I spent a few days on vacation in Saugatuck, Michigan, which was delightful! Since I also spent time in Saugatuck last summer and really loved it, I thought I’d put together a list of my favorite things to do there!

Where to stay

We stayed at “the Cottage on the Hill” last year, which I loved. It’s a 2-minute drive from downtown and a 10-minute drive from Oval Beach, but the real selling point is the lovely enclosed porch, which overlooks a big fenced-in backyard.

It wasn’t available this year, so we rented “Sunshine Cottage” instead. Sunshine Cottage is a very short walk from downtown, which was super convenient — we could walk home from dinner or from the house to an ice cream shop for a scoop of Mackinac Island Fudge in about five minutes. It also has a white kitchen with a sizable island that, when combined with the right linen shirt, makes you feel like a low-budget Nancy Meyers heroine.

I’m torn about which house I liked better; last year’s was bigger and comfier and cuter, but it’s a tiny bit further from downtown, and the roads you’d take into town are a bit less walkable. Sunshine Cottage is smaller and had some minor quirks (that definitely weren’t dealbreakers), but is still nice/cozy/clean/convenient. I’d recommend either one! 

What to do 

Oval Beach

Oval Beach, on Lake Michigan, is my favorite thing about Saugatuck. It’s been rated one of the best beaches in the world (!!) by several different publications. It’s a fairly small beach but it’s never too crowded, even when it’s busy.

The sand is very soft and the water sometimes glitters in the sunlight. (By the way, the water in July 2018 was very cold, but it was perfect this time around.)

Retro Boat Rentals

Retro Boat Rentals is a very cute family-run place. You take your rental out on the Kalamazoo River for 90 minutes, where you get to see local wildlife (last year, we saw an eagle catch a fish; this year there were a lot of baby ducks) and all of the mansions that line the water. It’s a great way to spend a morning!

Since our trip last summer, they’ve added a bunch of outdoor seating and a kitchen/bar, so after our boat ride, we sat outside and had beers and snacks and a truly lovely time!

They also have these donut-type boats that look really fun (though, FYI, alcohol isn’t allowed on any of the boats).

Shopping

The downtown Saugatuck area has lots of little shops, and you can easily visit most/all of them in an afternoon. I don’t think any of the shops stands out as, like, The One You Must Visit, but spending some time tooling around to all the different ones is definitely worth it!

There are a ton of other things to do in Douglas and Fennville (including wineries and antique stores and galleries), but because we haven’t had a ton of time there/have spent a lot of our time at the beach, I can’t speak to those!

You also don’t have to do much of anything, really! Saugatuck is so gentle and cozy, and is kind of built for easy bonding — you can make friendship bracelets, play games, or do puzzles, and not feel like you’re missing out.

Where to eat and drink

Saugatuck has a lot of restaurants, and I’m hoping to spend a full week there next year so I can check out more of them! (The Southerner is at the top of my list for the next trip.) But here are some of the places we’ve gone and liked:

Mitten Brewing Company

Mitten Brewing Company makes truly excellent pizza — we went there twice last year because it was so good. Their outdoor seating area is incredibly cute, but you can also get your pizza to go, and then eat it in the little park across the street, which is right on the river.

Uncommon Coffee Roasters

After Googling coffee shops in Saugatuck, I was drawn to this one because their Instagram is extremely gay. And I’m happy to report that the entire place is extremely gay! Overall, it feels like the best coffee shop in a college town — homey, earthy, vaguely alt. It has a huge wraparound porch and a beautiful backyard. There’s also a guy who does chair massages in the backyard area and only charges $1 a minute, which is a pretty fantastic deal.

The BARge

This place sits behind the Ship-n-Shore hotel, so it’s not actually visible from the street. But it’s right on the water (you can see it in this photo) and the upper level offers a pretty great view. When we went for dinner, there was a live music act that was actually pretty good.

The Dunes

The Dunes bills itself as “the Midwest’s premier LGBTQ resort.” The website and even the interior make it seem, like, clubby(ish), but when we were there for karaoke night and it was incredibly…gentle and chill? We heard a lot of Frank Sinatra, Elvis, and the Beatles. (And also everyone who sang was pretty good?) But next to the TV displaying the karaoke lyrics for songs like “When I’m 64,” there was a second TV playing, like, a super-cut of random foreplay scenes from gay male porn, which was…quite a juxtaposition! Also, the customers that night were *literally* all men and it felt like a very gay male space in general, so that’s something to be aware of!

Speaking of LGBTQ experiences, there were a lot of Pride flags flying in Saugatuck, and I remember noticing last year in the big Saugatuck brochure/magazine that there were a lot of subtle (and not-so-subtle) cues that Saugatuck is queer-friendly. So that’s nice! That said, we definitely saw way more Pride flags than people of color in Saugatuck.

Oh, also! I spotted McLeod Farms peaches at the Holland Meijer, where they cost $1.29/lb. So if you live in Michigan, you should definitely look for them the next time you’re at Meijer. ✨

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Out of office

Image: Libby VanderPloeg

I’m currently in Michigan on the last day of a lovely vacation, so I don’t have any links for you this week! But you can catch me on two episodes of NPR’s Life Kit this week: “Accept The Awkwardness: How To Make Friends (And Keep Them)” and “When Friendships Change, How To Cope.”

Have a great Sunday! ✈️

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On deep-shallow companions

Image: Eckhard Hoehmann / Unsplash

As I’ve been working on The Art of Showing Up, I’ve done quite a bit of research on the “ideal” number of friends a person should have, and, in the process, have come up with my own theory on this topic: Regardless of how many friends researchers say you need, or how many friends you currently have, I think everyone needs one (1) individual to fill the role of deep-shallow companion.

Your deep-shallow person is the one who happily listens to the most humdrum shit about your day, pretty much every day (and then shares theirs in turn). They let you go on and on about the traffic you sat in, the errands you ran, the minutiae of your to-do list, and everything Sweetgreen did right or wrong with regard to your salad order. (My experiences with the Sweetgreen app — which used to be very bad and are now, somehow, better? — are the epitome of deep-shallow talk.) Deep-shallow stories are both too boring and too complicated for most audiences. There’s no real drama, but there’s also definitely a five-act Shakespearean play, and it somehow all took place in the self-checkout line at Target.

Deep-shallow companionship is the height of intimacy, demonstrated through extremely not-intimate topics. It’s a bond and love that is rooted so deep, it can withstand this particular type of shallow conversation. 

Of course, most relationships include some deep-shallow talk, and occasionally, the first coworker pal you see when you walk into the office is gonna hear your terrible commute story whether they like it or not. It’s fine! But your deep-shallow person is the one who willingly listens to this stuff daily, and also shares their own with you. It’s often a role filled by a parent, sibling, or romantic partner because it requires so much love.

My suspicion is that a lot of loneliness stems from not having a deep-shallow companion. Which really sucks! Because if you try — consciously or not — to make someone your deep-shallow person and they don’t want to be (because they already have a deep–shallow companion, because it’s too early in the relationship, whatever), you probably won’t get the attention or enthusiasm you’re looking for, which just feels bad. It doesn’t mean the person doesn’t want to be friends with you or that they don’t like you (truly!)...but it still stings. Deep-shallow conversations are often when we’re our most relaxed and uncensored and real selves; not having a deep-shallow person can lead to feeling very unseen and incredibly alone.

I share this theory not to call attention to something you feel sad about and can’t really fix, but because I know how how it feels to not have the words to explain this particular kind of intimacy, or describe what it looks and feels like. I think it’s really helpful to be able to name this kind of companionship, and to be able to articulate exactly what you’ve lost if your deep-shallow person is no longer in your life. ✨

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‘‘The Orange’’

Image: Kotagauni Srinivas / Unsplash

Today is my 34th birthday! I’m eagerly awaiting a box of fresh peaches from McLeod Farms (truly the Platonic ideal of a peach, and maybe all fruit), which are due to arrive any minute, and which have me thinking about “The Orange,” a beautiful poem by Wendy Cope that I just love. Here it is:

At lunchtime I bought a huge orange—
The size of it made us all laugh.
I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave—
They got quarters and I had a half.

And that orange, it made me so happy,
As ordinary things often do
Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park.
This is peace and contentment. It's new.

The rest of the day was quite easy.
I did all the jobs on my list
And enjoyed them and had some time over.
I love you. I'm glad I exist. ✨

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A cute little idea for your next birthday

Image: Kiyana Salkeld / Just Good Shit

This morning I was thinking about the fact that it’s now August, aka the month of my birth, and I remembered a cute idea my friend Julia gave me a couple of years ago.

She said she uses any birthday coupons she receives (like the Madewell birthday discount, etc.) to order goodies for herself online, but she doesn’t open the packages as she receives them — instead, she waits until her birthday proper. Then on her bday, she opens these packages along with any gifts she receives in the mail from her friends/family all at once. (I learned all of this when I visited her one February, and she told me that was the reason for the big pile of unopened packages in her foyer.) So cute, right? I already do this with Christmas gifts, but I really like the idea of doing it for birthdays (and waiting to open any bday cards as well).

Speaking of birthdays, here’s a cute old Terri post you might like: 17 Fun And Different Birthday Ideas If You're Really Not Into Parties.

Anyway, it’s August, I’m finally going to get my free Drunk Elephant gift at Sephora, and I’m going to wait and start using it on my birthday next week! 🎉

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Just good summer reading

When I think about the best summer reading, I think of really entertaining books that you’ll enjoy enough to want to binge read (see also: this great NYT article). But I don’t think they have to be pure fluff! To me, a great summer read should feel less like eating a ton of candy, and more like eating a delicious meal made up of of assorted dips, juicy fruits, delicious crostini, a couple of amazing pasta salads, some great Trader Joe’s appetizers, and sparkling water. It’s satisfying and filling (even if/when it’s light), and consuming it brings real pleasure.

So with that in mind, here are some of my favorites!

Fiction

The Vacationers by Emma Straub

I haven’t read this book in a few years, but it’s one I think of as best in class when it comes to light summer reads. Reading it feels like watching a great Nancy Meyers movie; it’s entertaining and goes down smoothly and easily.

Buy it for $9.70+ from Amazon or find it at local bookstore on IndieBound.

Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann

Every summer, I get what can only be described as a craving to read Valley of the Dolls. The book is pure camp and I love it. It also has one of the best elements of a great summer novel: rich people and their rich people problems. I might actually start reading it again tonight because it’s been a few years!

Buy it for $7.99+ from Amazon or find it at local bookstore on IndieBound.

The Neapolitan novels by Elena Ferrante

When I think about these four books — My Brilliant Friend, The Story of a New Name, Those Who Leave and Those Who Stay, and The Story of the Lost Child — I just feel such genuine fondness and appreciation for them. (By the way, I actually didn’t really get into My Brilliant Friend until the last few chapters, but then I was all in.)

Buy My Brilliant Friend for $9.32+ from Amazon or find it at local bookstore on IndieBound.

Middlesex by Jeffrey Euginedes

The first time I finished Middlesex, I felt like I'd just read a memoir, not a work of fiction. It’s one of my all-time faves. Also, I had heard the audiobook was better than the book itself, which I found preposterous but…the audiobook is truly excellent.

Buy it for $9.99+ from Amazon or find it at local bookstore on IndieBound.

In the Country: Stories by Mia Alvar

This was one of my favorite books of 2015, and reminded me just how good short story collections can be. (Also, short story collections feel very summery to me and I don’t know why.)

Buy it from Amazon for $5.10+ or find it at a local bookstore on IndieBound.

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

Most of this book takes place in the summer and it has loads of “classic novel you read on summer break between junior and senior years” energy.

Buy it for $10.80+ from Amazon or find it at a local bookstore on IndieBound.

A Summer Affair by Elin Hilderbrand

I went back and forth on including this one because I think it’s fluffier than most of my other picks…but I also really enjoyed it (and The Rumor and Beautiful Day, two other Elin Hilderbrand novels I’ve finished this week) and I think Hilderband is so good at what she does that it’s worth your consideration!

Buy it for $7.99+ from Amazon or find it at a local bookstore on IndieBound.

Non-fiction

Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris

I’ve read almost all of David Sedaris’s books, but Me Talk Pretty One Day is probably my all-time favorite; I think it has the highest concentration of David Sedaris lines/anecdotes that I think about a lot. Also: the audiobook version (which David Sedaris narrates) is fantastic — so good for road trips.

Buy it for $10.38+ from Amazon or find it at local bookstore on IndieBound.

Destiny of the Republic: A Tale of Madness, Medicine and the Murder of a President by Candice Millard

It took more than one recommendation from Terri for me to finally read this book, but once I did, I had to admit: it’s amazing. Like, couldn’t put it down amazing; I’m happy to report I’m now a James Garfield stan.

Buy it for $12.99+ from Amazon or find it at local bookstore on IndieBound.

Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Startup by John Carreyou

By now, you’ve surely watched or listened to or read something about Elizabeth Holmes, but this book is the OG for a reason. It’s gripping (and way better than the podcasts or documentaries have been) and totally worth it.

Buy it for $12.13+ from Amazon or find it at local bookstore on IndieBound.

Liar, Temptress, Soldier, Spy: Four Women Undercover in the Civil War by Karen Abbott

This book reads like a novel and, despite being about the Civil War, is a bit lighter than you might expect (while still being very informative). If you’re the kind of person who’d prefer to spend their summer vacation taking trips to Gettysburg and the like, this one’s for you.

Buy it for $11.99+ from Amazon or find it at local bookstore on IndieBound. 📚

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Some questions to consider before having a tough conversation

Image: Kiyana Salkeld / Just Good Shit

I recently read a 2016 HBR article about when to skip difficult conversations, and it included a checklist of 11 questions to ask yourself that I thought were really smart/helpful. Here are a few of my favorites from the list:

• What is my “secret agenda” or “hidden hope” for this conversation? (Long-term harmony? Revenge? That they will change?)

• What’s my contribution to the situation?

• Do I tend to look for problems with this person or about this issue?

• How long ago did it arise? Is it a repeat or recurring problem? Could it become one?

• How committed am I to being “right”?

• What reasonable, actionable solution can I offer?

• Is this the right person to talk to about this issue?

It’s so easy to come up with excuses to justify skipping a tough conversation (“it doesn’t really matter, they won’t change anyway”)…or to make something your problem when it’s actually not just because you’re horny for conflict and justice. These questions are a good way to step outside some of those feelings and get a clearer sense of the best way to proceed.

P.S. Some related reading: tips to keep in mind if you want to be a better conversationalist + just a bunch of good things to read if you want to be a better manager. 💬

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Two cheap and easy ways to upgrade your phone charger

Here are two phone-related tips that I’ve found helpful in general, but especially during group trip season.

1. Get a 6-foot phone charger.

A long charger is just nice to have, but it’s particularly useful when you’re traveling, and may not be staying somewhere that has outlets near the bed/couch/whatever. Buy a single 6-foot charger from Amazon for $7.99, or get a two-pack (which is what I did) for $15.98.

2. Label your charger/cord with washi tape.

When you have several people with iPhones staying in the same place, it’s natural that chargers will get shared or lent out from time to time. Instead of attempting returning chargers to their rightful owners based on whose is frayed in a particular way, you can just label yours with washi tape so you can easily spot it at a glance. (I also found it helpful to do this with my work laptop charger and the phone charger I kept at my desk!)

You can get a roll of washi tape in the scrapbook section at Target or Michaels for a couple dollars, or get a beautiful set of 28 rolls from Amazon for $14.99. 📱

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Two tips to keep in mind if you want to be a better conversationalist

Image: Kiyana Salkeld / Just Good Shit

I recently read We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter by Celeste Headlee, which I really liked. The book has a lot of great, practical tips for being a better listener and better speaker — based in scientific research, and Headlee’s career as a radio host.

Since I’m sure none of us want to turn into the living embodiment of “I am feel uncomfortable when we are not about me?”, I thought I’d share two of my favorite tips for talking a little less (or just a bit more effectively) from the book here.

01. Stay out of the weeds

Getting into the weeds when you’re talking means you’ve lost the main path of a story, and are instead “wandering aimlessly in a field of trivial details.” Here’s more from Headlee:

“Getting into the weeds often sounds like this: ‘We went to Italy in 2006. No, was it 2007? Wait, it must have been 2005 because it was just after I took that job in Boston. I think that’s right. Sharon would know for sure.’ By the time you get back to the real story, your friend is staring at you with glassy eyes and considering making a break for it to get a latte.

The business psychiatrist Mark Goulston says we only have about 40 seconds to speak during a conversation before we run the risk of dominating the exchange. He describes the first 20 seconds as the green light, when the other person likes you and is enjoying what you have to say. The next 20 seconds are the yellow light, when ‘the other person is beginning to lose interest or think you’re long-winded.’ At 40 seconds, Goulston says, the light turns read and it’s time to stop talking.

Take a moment to gauge just how long 40 seconds is. Look at the second hand on your clock or watch, start to tell a story, and stop when you’ve hit 40 seconds. That’s not a lot of time! If you waste it with superfluous detail, you’ll never get to the meat of your message.”

FORTY SECONDS!!! That is…not very many seconds! Here’s Headlee again:

“We can also end up there when we feel compelled to correct the fine print of someone else’s story. Imagine a friend is telling you about a scary skiing accident. He says that after he was airlifted to the nearest hospital, he received an emergency MRI to see if his ribs were broken. You jump in and say, ‘Well actually, the MRI wouldn’t show your ribs. An MRI only shows soft tissues. Are you sure it wasn’t an X-ray?’ You have just steered a conversation (and possibly a friendship) into the weeds.

…

The onus is on you to determine what information is essential and what is unnecessary. That can be difficult sometimes. But if you’re thinking about it, you’re already making progress. All too often, we continue to spout information without consciously considering if we should.

The next time you find yourself providing a lot of detail about a personal matter, take a close look at the other person’s face. Are they looking at something else besides you? Are they stifling a yawn? If so, they might be trying to escape. Forget about what year you bought your first Toyota, and move the story along. Your friends, family, coworkers, baristas, and cashiers will thank you.”

02. No repeats

I once had a boss tell me, “Take yes for an answer.” He was basically saying, I agree with you, you’ve won me over — why are you still talking about it? The comment made me a lot more aware of the ways I might be repeating myself in conversations, regardless of whether the other person is saying yes, no, or something else entirely.

Here’s Headlee on this topic (Italics mine):

“Repetition is the conversational equivalent of marching in place. It’s not interesting and it doesn’t move the conversation forward. We sometimes assume repeating information helps drill it into someone’s head. After all, we’re taught from a young age to repeat the information we want to learn. … These types of repetition [e.g, flash cards, repeating dates in your head] help you to retain new types of learning for one key reason: you’re the one repeating the information. Research shows that when we repeat something multiple times, it ups our chances of remembering it. The benefit increases if we repeat that information to another person, but the benefit isn’t shared with the person listening. So if you’re in a meeting and you repeat a deadline to your team four times, you’ll probably remember it well but your team members are no more likely to retain it than if you’d mentioned it only once.”

Basically: if you’re repeating yourself because you don’t feel like you’re being heard, well…you’re probably not doing yourself any favors. “Often, when someone hears the same thing for a second and third time, they think, ‘I already know this,’ and they stop listening,” Headlee says. So, why do we do keep doing it? Headlee says it’s often the result of wanting to keep a conversation going, but having nothing new to add.

Repetition is particularly noxious when you’re repeating negative statements. If you’re upset with someone and just keep saying, “You fucked up and I feel away about it” over and over again, they are likely going to get frustrated and tune you out — not suddenly have a light bulb moment and apologize the fifth time you say it.

And it doesn’t even have to be direct criticism to make the other person feel bad; even if you’re not saying “you, personally, fucked up,” repeating a negative comment about a situation can still bring the other person down. For example, if your friend selected a restaurant for lunch and then the server was rude, your order came out cold, and they forgot to bring you the refill you asked for…and you just keep repeating “ugh, this sucks” and “I’m so disappointed” and “I can’t believe how terrible that service was” over and over again…it can start to feel like criticism to your friend, who feels responsible for your displeasure, even if it’s clearly not their fault.

Here’s Headlee again:

“Try to become aware of how often you repeat yourself, and think about what might be prompting you to do it. Do you feel like you’re not getting the acknowledgement you need from the other person? Has he or she failed to follow through on things in the past? Are there too many distractions present when you’re trying to have a conversation (i.e., saying something important while your kid is playing a video game might not be a good idea)? Are you prone to ramble in your conversations?

Over the next few weeks, get into the habit of pausing for a couple of seconds before you respond to someone. Before you repeat yourself, take a moment to find something new to say. You can even ask your friends to tell you when you’re repeating something. I had my son say ‘echo’ every time I started repeating things, and after hearing it a few dozen times, I began to break the habit.”

The whole book is very good; I really recommend it, especially if you’re a manager! You might also want to check out Celeste Headlee’s TED Talk: 10 ways to have a better conversation. ✨

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Should you happen to find yourself spinning out, try cleaning your bathroom

Image: Bernard Hermant / Unsplash

Whenever I find myself pacing around my apartment and kind of spiraling, dealing with a brain-on-fire situation — when I’m overwhelmed and I know I should do something but I can’t decide what it should be so I’m doing nothing and everything all at once — I’ve gotten in the habit of just…cleaning my bathroom. Like, I don’t overthink it; I just go and do it. And 15-20 minutes later (which is about how long it takes me to clean my bathroom, despite what I might tell myself when I’m avoiding doing it), my sink is sparkling and I feel so much better.

Why is cleaning the bathroom the perfect activity in these moments? I think it’s because it tends to be a relatively quick and contained chore — unlike, say, cleaning your closet, which you’ll start with the best of intentions and then somehow spend $75 ordering hangers online before falling asleep on piles of clothes — BUT it’s just long enough to distract you and redirect your energy, to get the headspace required to make a decision, to gain a sense of accomplishment, and to basically press the reset button in a panic moment. And because it’s one area of your home that could pretty much always benefit from a little cleaning! 🛁

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Very good beach shit

Last summer, I — after a lifetime of being Not Really A Beach Person — became a person who genuinely enjoys a day at the beach! The trick? Good gear. (Turns out, the secret to everything is just…having money.) In my experience, the beach isn’t a particularly comfortable place to be, and you really do need gear to offset that. Like, I can only sit on a towel reading — in direct sunlight!! — for so long before my body starts aching, you know? Having better gear made a world of difference; I was cool and comfortable and able to stay out for hours last year. And those beach days made me feel relaxed, happy, and whole, so I really am glad I found a way to make them happen.

Here’s the beach gear I love and recommend:

The Chair

Image: Amazon

I love Rio Brands Deluxe Aluminum Backpack Chair ($42.96 on Amazon). Fun fact: I liked this chair so much after sitting in one at my friend Alanna’s parents’ house that, two years later, I dug up the photos I took of it at the time so I could figure out what the brand was and order one of my own! It’s so good: comfortable, aesthetically pleasing, lightweight. I love the adjustable pillow and the fact that you can wear it like a backpack when you’re walking to the beach. (Also, the cupholder is very handy!) I really don’t think I could do a long beach day without a good chair! I have it blue, but the blue one is inexplicably $70 at the moment, so maybe go with the red?

If you want a less expensive but still great chair, I ordered the Rio Gear Original Steel Backpack Chair ($25.97 on Amazon) and had it shipped to my mom’s house before my family’s trip to Saugatuck last summer, and it was also great. I’ll be using it again when we head to Saugatuck this summer! And if you want something similar to these two but a little roomier, this Tommy Bahama chair ($54.09 on Amazon) has a bigger seat and a maximum weight of 300 lbs.

What I really want is the white (!!!) “Rolls-Royce of beach chairs” ($141 on Amazon) with its matching canopy ($44.95 on Amazon). It’s pricey but it’s apparently built to last a decade. Someday!

The Tent

Image: Lovin’ Summer

I’m obsessed with my Lovin' Summer Beach Tent ($150) and recommend it to everyone. I received mine as a PR gift back in 2015 and I love it. Every time I take it to the beach, multiple people come by to ask me where I got it; it's beautiful and just really unique looking. It's also just so practical; it provides a truly impressive amount of shade, but still allows for a wonderful breeze flow through. It's really easy to enter and exit, and it's super stable. It's also very lightweight and packs down in a bag that's similar in size to a yoga bag, so I can store it under my bed. If you go to the beach a few times a year, or if you are planning a days-long beach vacation, I think it's completely worth it.

My only caveat is that you should watch the video of how to set it up before you take it to the beach; the instructions are very confusingly written, and while the setup isn’t hard at all, it’s also not intuitive. (That said, the first time I ever took it out, I wasn't nearby when my friends set it up. When I got back to our area, it was fully assembled and they all said it was very easy!)

Anyway, because you may not get good cell service on the beach, you should watch that setup video and save some photos of how it looks when assembled to your camera roll before you head out. Once we figured out a couple crucial details, it came together really easily and quickly. (The setup and breakdown takes about 10 minutes.) You also could also easily string some battery-operated twinkle lights on the interior bar for evenings on the beach or for backyard camping type activities!

The Hat

Image: Amazon

My current summer hat is a wide brim sun visor/hat ($12.99 on Amazon, available in 10 colors). For years, I wanted a good visor; my goal was "Offred, but make it summer." I mainly wanted something that would keep the sun off my face while I'm walking to and from the train every day — so I didn't want anything overly sporty/beachy. After discovering that most cute visors cost $150 (?!), I finally found what I was looking for in this visor. This visor completely keeps the sun off my face (and means I don't have to fuck with sunglasses / can wear my glasses to the beach). Also, the bow detail in the back is really cute! But, full disclosure: by September, it was falling apart, so I will be buying another one this summer.

Some other good beach shit:

The Cooler

I bought a cooler bag ($38.95 on Amazon) for picnics and the beach a few weeks ago but haven’t taken it out yet. But it looks/seems great!

The Towel

Last summer, I started using a beach towel from The Beach People ($49.50+). This was a PR gift and it's really lovely. (The exact one I have isn't on their site at the moment.) I don't think you need a fancy towel to enjoy the beach...but as someone who loves soft things and great towels, having a big blanket-like towel (seriously, it’s so blush) that matches my general aesthetic made me pretty happy. 

The Shoes

As I mentioned a couple weeks ago, the Hurricane Drift Tevas ($40 from Zappos) are great, and are perfect for the beach. If you want to get them in white, my friend Marisa recommends cleaning them with a Magic Eraser, which is genius.

I’m also super curious about these Sea Star Beachwear waterproof espadrilles ($89), because I’m always on the lookout for closed-toe beach/summer shoes. (Terri also pointed out that they might be good for rainy summer days when it’s too warm to wear boots.)

The Beach

It’s Jacob Riis Beach for me! ⛱

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