Iâm Rachel Miller, a professional service/lifestyle writer, editor, and author based in New York City. Just Good Shit is where I share practical, doable tips for taking care of yourself, your home, and your people. It's better living, less bullshit.
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Filtered by Category: Living
Image: Libby VanderPloeg
Iâm currently in Michigan on the last day of a lovely vacation, so I donât have any links for you this week! But you can catch me on two episodes of NPRâs Life Kit this week: âAccept The Awkwardness: How To Make Friends (And Keep Them)â and âWhen Friendships Change, How To Cope.â
Have a great Sunday! âď¸
Image: Eckhard Hoehmann / Unsplash
As Iâve been working on The Art of Showing Up, Iâve done quite a bit of research on the âidealâ number of friends a person should have, and, in the process, have come up with my own theory on this topic: Regardless of how many friends researchers say you need, or how many friends you currently have, I think everyone needs one (1) individual to fill the role of deep-shallow companion.
Your deep-shallow person is the one who happily listens to the most humdrum shit about your day, pretty much every day (and then shares theirs in turn). They let you go on and on about the traffic you sat in, the errands you ran, the minutiae of your to-do list, and everything Sweetgreen did right or wrong with regard to your salad order. (My experiences with the Sweetgreen app â which used to be very bad and are now, somehow, better? â are the epitome of deep-shallow talk.) Deep-shallow stories are both too boring and too complicated for most audiences. Thereâs no real drama, but thereâs also definitely a five-act Shakespearean play, and it somehow all took place in the self-checkout line at Target.
Deep-shallow companionship is the height of intimacy, demonstrated through extremely not-intimate topics. Itâs a bond and love that is rooted so deep, it can withstand this particular type of shallow conversation.
Of course, most relationships include some deep-shallow talk, and occasionally, the first coworker pal you see when you walk into the office is gonna hear your terrible commute story whether they like it or not. Itâs fine! But your deep-shallow person is the one who willingly listens to this stuff daily, and also shares their own with you. Itâs often a role filled by a parent, sibling, or romantic partner because it requires so much love.
My suspicion is that a lot of loneliness stems from not having a deep-shallow companion. Which really sucks! Because if you try â consciously or not â to make someone your deep-shallow person and they donât want to be (because they already have a deepâshallow companion, because itâs too early in the relationship, whatever), you probably wonât get the attention or enthusiasm youâre looking for, which just feels bad. It doesnât mean the person doesnât want to be friends with you or that they donât like you (truly!)...but it still stings. Deep-shallow conversations are often when weâre our most relaxed and uncensored and real selves; not having a deep-shallow person can lead to feeling very unseen and incredibly alone.
I share this theory not to call attention to something you feel sad about and canât really fix, but because I know how how it feels to not have the words to explain this particular kind of intimacy, or describe what it looks and feels like. I think itâs really helpful to be able to name this kind of companionship, and to be able to articulate exactly what youâve lost if your deep-shallow person is no longer in your life. â¨
Image: Kotagauni Srinivas / Unsplash
Today is my 34th birthday! Iâm eagerly awaiting a box of fresh peaches from McLeod Farms (truly the Platonic ideal of a peach, and maybe all fruit), which are due to arrive any minute, and which have me thinking about âThe Orange,â a beautiful poem by Wendy Cope that I just love. Here it is:
At lunchtime I bought a huge orangeâ
The size of it made us all laugh.
I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Daveâ
They got quarters and I had a half.
And that orange, it made me so happy,
As ordinary things often do
Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park.
This is peace and contentment. It's new.
The rest of the day was quite easy.
I did all the jobs on my list
And enjoyed them and had some time over.
I love you. I'm glad I exist. â¨
Image: Kiyana Salkeld / Just Good Shit
This morning I was thinking about the fact that itâs now August, aka the month of my birth, and I remembered a cute idea my friend Julia gave me a couple of years ago.
She said she uses any birthday coupons she receives (like the Madewell birthday discount, etc.) to order goodies for herself online, but she doesnât open the packages as she receives them â instead, she waits until her birthday proper. Then on her bday, she opens these packages along with any gifts she receives in the mail from her friends/family all at once. (I learned all of this when I visited her one February, and she told me that was the reason for the big pile of unopened packages in her foyer.) So cute, right? I already do this with Christmas gifts, but I really like the idea of doing it for birthdays (and waiting to open any bday cards as well).
Speaking of birthdays, hereâs a cute old Terri post you might like: 17 Fun And Different Birthday Ideas If You're Really Not Into Parties.
Anyway, itâs August, Iâm finally going to get my free Drunk Elephant gift at Sephora, and Iâm going to wait and start using it on my birthday next week! đ
When I think about the best summer reading, I think of really entertaining books that youâll enjoy enough to want to binge read (see also: this great NYT article). But I donât think they have to be pure fluff! To me, a great summer read should feel less like eating a ton of candy, and more like eating a delicious meal made up of of assorted dips, juicy fruits, delicious crostini, a couple of amazing pasta salads, some great Trader Joeâs appetizers, and sparkling water. Itâs satisfying and filling (even if/when itâs light), and consuming it brings real pleasure.
So with that in mind, here are some of my favorites!
I havenât read this book in a few years, but itâs one I think of as best in class when it comes to light summer reads. Reading it feels like watching a great Nancy Meyers movie; itâs entertaining and goes down smoothly and easily.
Buy it for $9.70+ from Amazon or find it at local bookstore on IndieBound.
Every summer, I get what can only be described as a craving to read Valley of the Dolls. The book is pure camp and I love it. It also has one of the best elements of a great summer novel: rich people and their rich people problems. I might actually start reading it again tonight because itâs been a few years!
Buy it for $7.99+ from Amazon or find it at local bookstore on IndieBound.
When I think about these four books â My Brilliant Friend, The Story of a New Name, Those Who Leave and Those Who Stay, and The Story of the Lost Child â I just feel such genuine fondness and appreciation for them. (By the way, I actually didnât really get into My Brilliant Friend until the last few chapters, but then I was all in.)
Buy My Brilliant Friend for $9.32+ from Amazon or find it at local bookstore on IndieBound.
The first time I finished Middlesex, I felt like I'd just read a memoir, not a work of fiction. Itâs one of my all-time faves. Also, I had heard the audiobook was better than the book itself, which I found preposterous butâŚthe audiobook is truly excellent.
Buy it for $9.99+ from Amazon or find it at local bookstore on IndieBound.
This was one of my favorite books of 2015, and reminded me just how good short story collections can be. (Also, short story collections feel very summery to me and I donât know why.)
Buy it from Amazon for $5.10+ or find it at a local bookstore on IndieBound.
Most of this book takes place in the summer and it has loads of âclassic novel you read on summer break between junior and senior yearsâ energy.
Buy it for $10.80+ from Amazon or find it at a local bookstore on IndieBound.
I went back and forth on including this one because I think itâs fluffier than most of my other picksâŚbut I also really enjoyed it (and The Rumor and Beautiful Day, two other Elin Hilderbrand novels Iâve finished this week) and I think Hilderband is so good at what she does that itâs worth your consideration!
Buy it for $7.99+ from Amazon or find it at a local bookstore on IndieBound.
Iâve read almost all of David Sedarisâs books, but Me Talk Pretty One Day is probably my all-time favorite; I think it has the highest concentration of David Sedaris lines/anecdotes that I think about a lot. Also: the audiobook version (which David Sedaris narrates) is fantastic â so good for road trips.
Buy it for $10.38+ from Amazon or find it at local bookstore on IndieBound.
It took more than one recommendation from Terri for me to finally read this book, but once I did, I had to admit: itâs amazing. Like, couldnât put it down amazing; Iâm happy to report Iâm now a James Garfield stan.
Buy it for $12.99+ from Amazon or find it at local bookstore on IndieBound.
By now, youâve surely watched or listened to or read something about Elizabeth Holmes, but this book is the OG for a reason. Itâs gripping (and way better than the podcasts or documentaries have been) and totally worth it.
Buy it for $12.13+ from Amazon or find it at local bookstore on IndieBound.
This book reads like a novel and, despite being about the Civil War, is a bit lighter than you might expect (while still being very informative). If youâre the kind of person whoâd prefer to spend their summer vacation taking trips to Gettysburg and the like, this oneâs for you.
Buy it for $11.99+ from Amazon or find it at local bookstore on IndieBound. đ
Image: Kiyana Salkeld / Just Good Shit
I recently read a 2016 HBR article about when to skip difficult conversations, and it included a checklist of 11 questions to ask yourself that I thought were really smart/helpful. Here are a few of my favorites from the list:
What is my âsecret agendaâ or âhidden hopeâ for this conversation? (Long-term harmony? Revenge? That they will change?)
Whatâs my contribution to the situation?
Do I tend to look for problems with this person or about this issue?
How long ago did it arise? Is it a repeat or recurring problem? Could it become one?
How committed am I to being ârightâ?
What reasonable, actionable solution can I offer?
Is this the right person to talk to about this issue?
Itâs so easy to come up with excuses to justify skipping a tough conversation (âit doesnât really matter, they wonât change anywayâ)âŚor to make something your problem when itâs actually not just because youâre horny for conflict and justice. These questions are a good way to step outside some of those feelings and get a clearer sense of the best way to proceed.
P.S. Some related reading: tips to keep in mind if you want to be a better conversationalist + just a bunch of good things to read if you want to be a better manager. đŹ
Here are two phone-related tips that Iâve found helpful in general, but especially during group trip season.
1. Get a 6-foot phone charger.
A long charger is just nice to have, but itâs particularly useful when youâre traveling, and may not be staying somewhere that has outlets near the bed/couch/whatever. Buy a single 6-foot charger from Amazon for $7.99, or get a two-pack (which is what I did) for $15.98.
2. Label your charger/cord with washi tape.
When you have several people with iPhones staying in the same place, itâs natural that chargers will get shared or lent out from time to time. Instead of attempting returning chargers to their rightful owners based on whose is frayed in a particular way, you can just label yours with washi tape so you can easily spot it at a glance. (I also found it helpful to do this with my work laptop charger and the phone charger I kept at my desk!)
You can get a roll of washi tape in the scrapbook section at Target or Michaels for a couple dollars, or get a beautiful set of 28 rolls from Amazon for $14.99. đą
Image: Kiyana Salkeld / Just Good Shit
I recently read We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter by Celeste Headlee, which I really liked. The book has a lot of great, practical tips for being a better listener and better speaker â based in scientific research, and Headleeâs career as a radio host.
Since Iâm sure none of us want to turn into the living embodiment of âI am feel uncomfortable when we are not about me?â, I thought Iâd share two of my favorite tips for talking a little less (or just a bit more effectively) from the book here.
Getting into the weeds when youâre talking means youâve lost the main path of a story, and are instead âwandering aimlessly in a field of trivial details.â Hereâs more from Headlee:
âGetting into the weeds often sounds like this: âWe went to Italy in 2006. No, was it 2007? Wait, it must have been 2005 because it was just after I took that job in Boston. I think thatâs right. Sharon would know for sure.â By the time you get back to the real story, your friend is staring at you with glassy eyes and considering making a break for it to get a latte.
The business psychiatrist Mark Goulston says we only have about 40 seconds to speak during a conversation before we run the risk of dominating the exchange. He describes the first 20 seconds as the green light, when the other person likes you and is enjoying what you have to say. The next 20 seconds are the yellow light, when âthe other person is beginning to lose interest or think youâre long-winded.â At 40 seconds, Goulston says, the light turns read and itâs time to stop talking.
Take a moment to gauge just how long 40 seconds is. Look at the second hand on your clock or watch, start to tell a story, and stop when youâve hit 40 seconds. Thatâs not a lot of time! If you waste it with superfluous detail, youâll never get to the meat of your message.â
FORTY SECONDS!!! That isâŚnot very many seconds! Hereâs Headlee again:
âWe can also end up there when we feel compelled to correct the fine print of someone elseâs story. Imagine a friend is telling you about a scary skiing accident. He says that after he was airlifted to the nearest hospital, he received an emergency MRI to see if his ribs were broken. You jump in and say, âWell actually, the MRI wouldnât show your ribs. An MRI only shows soft tissues. Are you sure it wasnât an X-ray?â You have just steered a conversation (and possibly a friendship) into the weeds.
âŚ
The onus is on you to determine what information is essential and what is unnecessary. That can be difficult sometimes. But if youâre thinking about it, youâre already making progress. All too often, we continue to spout information without consciously considering if we should.
The next time you find yourself providing a lot of detail about a personal matter, take a close look at the other personâs face. Are they looking at something else besides you? Are they stifling a yawn? If so, they might be trying to escape. Forget about what year you bought your first Toyota, and move the story along. Your friends, family, coworkers, baristas, and cashiers will thank you.â
I once had a boss tell me, âTake yes for an answer.â He was basically saying, I agree with you, youâve won me over â why are you still talking about it? The comment made me a lot more aware of the ways I might be repeating myself in conversations, regardless of whether the other person is saying yes, no, or something else entirely.
Hereâs Headlee on this topic (Italics mine):
âRepetition is the conversational equivalent of marching in place. Itâs not interesting and it doesnât move the conversation forward. We sometimes assume repeating information helps drill it into someoneâs head. After all, weâre taught from a young age to repeat the information we want to learn. ⌠These types of repetition [e.g, flash cards, repeating dates in your head] help you to retain new types of learning for one key reason: youâre the one repeating the information. Research shows that when we repeat something multiple times, it ups our chances of remembering it. The benefit increases if we repeat that information to another person, but the benefit isnât shared with the person listening. So if youâre in a meeting and you repeat a deadline to your team four times, youâll probably remember it well but your team members are no more likely to retain it than if youâd mentioned it only once.â
Basically: if youâre repeating yourself because you donât feel like youâre being heard, wellâŚyouâre probably not doing yourself any favors. âOften, when someone hears the same thing for a second and third time, they think, âI already know this,â and they stop listening,â Headlee says. So, why do we do keep doing it? Headlee says itâs often the result of wanting to keep a conversation going, but having nothing new to add.
Repetition is particularly noxious when youâre repeating negative statements. If youâre upset with someone and just keep saying, âYou fucked up and I feel away about itâ over and over again, they are likely going to get frustrated and tune you out â not suddenly have a light bulb moment and apologize the fifth time you say it.
And it doesnât even have to be direct criticism to make the other person feel bad; even if youâre not saying âyou, personally, fucked up,â repeating a negative comment about a situation can still bring the other person down. For example, if your friend selected a restaurant for lunch and then the server was rude, your order came out cold, and they forgot to bring you the refill you asked forâŚand you just keep repeating âugh, this sucksâ and âIâm so disappointedâ and âI canât believe how terrible that service wasâ over and over againâŚit can start to feel like criticism to your friend, who feels responsible for your displeasure, even if itâs clearly not their fault.
Hereâs Headlee again:
âTry to become aware of how often you repeat yourself, and think about what might be prompting you to do it. Do you feel like youâre not getting the acknowledgement you need from the other person? Has he or she failed to follow through on things in the past? Are there too many distractions present when youâre trying to have a conversation (i.e., saying something important while your kid is playing a video game might not be a good idea)? Are you prone to ramble in your conversations?
Over the next few weeks, get into the habit of pausing for a couple of seconds before you respond to someone. Before you repeat yourself, take a moment to find something new to say. You can even ask your friends to tell you when youâre repeating something. I had my son say âechoâ every time I started repeating things, and after hearing it a few dozen times, I began to break the habit.â
The whole book is very good; I really recommend it, especially if youâre a manager! You might also want to check out Celeste Headleeâs TED Talk: 10 ways to have a better conversation. â¨
Image: Bernard Hermant / Unsplash
Whenever I find myself pacing around my apartment and kind of spiraling, dealing with a brain-on-fire situation â when Iâm overwhelmed and I know I should do something but I canât decide what it should be so Iâm doing nothing and everything all at once â Iâve gotten in the habit of justâŚcleaning my bathroom. Like, I donât overthink it; I just go and do it. And 15-20 minutes later (which is about how long it takes me to clean my bathroom, despite what I might tell myself when Iâm avoiding doing it), my sink is sparkling and I feel so much better.
Why is cleaning the bathroom the perfect activity in these moments? I think itâs because it tends to be a relatively quick and contained chore â unlike, say, cleaning your closet, which youâll start with the best of intentions and then somehow spend $75 ordering hangers online before falling asleep on piles of clothes â BUT itâs just long enough to distract you and redirect your energy, to get the headspace required to make a decision, to gain a sense of accomplishment, and to basically press the reset button in a panic moment. And because itâs one area of your home that could pretty much always benefit from a little cleaning! đ
Last summer, I â after a lifetime of being Not Really A Beach Person â became a person who genuinely enjoys a day at the beach! The trick? Good gear. (Turns out, the secret to everything is justâŚhaving money.) In my experience, the beach isnât a particularly comfortable place to be, and you really do need gear to offset that. Like, I can only sit on a towel reading â in direct sunlight!! â for so long before my body starts aching, you know? Having better gear made a world of difference; I was cool and comfortable and able to stay out for hours last year. And those beach days made me feel relaxed, happy, and whole, so I really am glad I found a way to make them happen.
Image: Amazon
I love Rio Brands Deluxe Aluminum Backpack Chair ($42.96 on Amazon). Fun fact: I liked this chair so much after sitting in one at my friend Alannaâs parentsâ house that, two years later, I dug up the photos I took of it at the time so I could figure out what the brand was and order one of my own! Itâs so good: comfortable, aesthetically pleasing, lightweight. I love the adjustable pillow and the fact that you can wear it like a backpack when youâre walking to the beach. (Also, the cupholder is very handy!) I really donât think I could do a long beach day without a good chair! I have it blue, but the blue one is inexplicably $70 at the moment, so maybe go with the red?
If you want a less expensive but still great chair, I ordered the Rio Gear Original Steel Backpack Chair ($25.97 on Amazon) and had it shipped to my momâs house before my familyâs trip to Saugatuck last summer, and it was also great. Iâll be using it again when we head to Saugatuck this summer! And if you want something similar to these two but a little roomier, this Tommy Bahama chair ($54.09 on Amazon) has a bigger seat and a maximum weight of 300 lbs.
What I really want is the white (!!!) âRolls-Royce of beach chairsâ ($141 on Amazon) with its matching canopy ($44.95 on Amazon). Itâs pricey but itâs apparently built to last a decade. Someday!
Image: Lovinâ Summer
Iâm obsessed with my Lovin' Summer Beach Tent ($150) and recommend it to everyone. I received mine as a PR gift back in 2015 and I love it. Every time I take it to the beach, multiple people come by to ask me where I got it; it's beautiful and just really unique looking. It's also just so practical; it provides a truly impressive amount of shade, but still allows for a wonderful breeze flow through. It's really easy to enter and exit, and it's super stable. It's also very lightweight and packs down in a bag that's similar in size to a yoga bag, so I can store it under my bed. If you go to the beach a few times a year, or if you are planning a days-long beach vacation, I think it's completely worth it.
My only caveat is that you should watch the video of how to set it up before you take it to the beach; the instructions are very confusingly written, and while the setup isnât hard at all, itâs also not intuitive. (That said, the first time I ever took it out, I wasn't nearby when my friends set it up. When I got back to our area, it was fully assembled and they all said it was very easy!)
Anyway, because you may not get good cell service on the beach, you should watch that setup video and save some photos of how it looks when assembled to your camera roll before you head out. Once we figured out a couple crucial details, it came together really easily and quickly. (The setup and breakdown takes about 10 minutes.) You also could also easily string some battery-operated twinkle lights on the interior bar for evenings on the beach or for backyard camping type activities!
Image: Amazon
My current summer hat is a wide brim sun visor/hat ($12.99 on Amazon, available in 10 colors). For years, I wanted a good visor; my goal was "Offred, but make it summer." I mainly wanted something that would keep the sun off my face while I'm walking to and from the train every day â so I didn't want anything overly sporty/beachy. After discovering that most cute visors cost $150 (?!), I finally found what I was looking for in this visor. This visor completely keeps the sun off my face (and means I don't have to fuck with sunglasses / can wear my glasses to the beach). Also, the bow detail in the back is really cute! But, full disclosure: by September, it was falling apart, so I will be buying another one this summer.
I bought a cooler bag ($38.95 on Amazon) for picnics and the beach a few weeks ago but havenât taken it out yet. But it looks/seems great!
Last summer, I started using a beach towel from The Beach People ($49.50+). This was a PR gift and it's really lovely. (The exact one I have isn't on their site at the moment.) I don't think you need a fancy towel to enjoy the beach...but as someone who loves soft things and great towels, having a big blanket-like towel (seriously, itâs so blush) that matches my general aesthetic made me pretty happy.
As I mentioned a couple weeks ago, the Hurricane Drift Tevas ($40 from Zappos) are great, and are perfect for the beach. If you want to get them in white, my friend Marisa recommends cleaning them with a Magic Eraser, which is genius.
Iâm also super curious about these Sea Star Beachwear waterproof espadrilles ($89), because Iâm always on the lookout for closed-toe beach/summer shoes. (Terri also pointed out that they might be good for rainy summer days when itâs too warm to wear boots.)
Itâs Jacob Riis Beach for me! âą
